AllySantra's Xanga

Where'd the week go?!

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 07:35:27 GMT

I seriously cannot believe how fast the last few days have gone by! Tomorrow, my sister's girlfriend is going home - already! Feels like she just got here! D:

I must say, things have been much better the last few days. We've been out to the pub, and we all went to the zoo, and we went shopping... We took Chels to a sex shop for the first time, which was hilarious... xD We also spent a bunch of time with the ponies, and we went to Auntie Connie's place for drinks...!

It's been really nice lately, all of the social interactions, and getting to go out! I even made a new friend at the barn today. Got her number and everything. I was so proud of myself for making a friend without the use of a computer, lmao. xD

And tomorrow I'll be going with Patryk, Kristan, and Dan to the US for some shopping, too. Busy times all around!

Sadly, Nana is still not well enough to be moved out of the hospital, though... The pnuemonia hasn't gone away, which is really not good... But I'm doing my best to just focus on the positives.

Oh ya, and I've been getting texts from Tai, even while he's on vacation, so that makes me happier, too. It would have really sucked if I didn't get to talk to him for the whole week. I'm used to talking to him throughout the day now.

Only real bummer is that I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to do any new art... D: OH! Speaking of art! One of my favorite artists on Tumblr added me to her Twitter AND her Skype! Anddd another of my favorite artists and friends added my character to her comic... AND! Another awesome comic artist actually started following me on Tumblr. As odd as it may be, I am really proud of this. :)

I have been working on my self-esteem the last little while, and it's actually been really good for me, I think. I'm feeling a lot more confident lately, and it makes me feel like a stronger person. :]

OH! And there is more news! Chels is talking about moving down here now, and my sister has now said she's decided she wants to stay out here. She, Chels and I were talking about getting our place together tonight, and I'm really stoked about that.

Things have been rough lately, but there have also been a lot of good things. At least I can say that the good things make the shitty things worth fighting through. <3

Roller Coaster Coasting

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 20:09:43 GMT

My life has been like a roller coaster ride the last while, and I've simply been holding on and trying to take the hurdles as they come.

Where to start....? Well, while in the hospital, Nana has gotten pneumonia... Which is obviously really not good..

My stupid step-father has been acting all crazy lately.. First, he was a total ass to my sister and my brother, then he bawled when mum went to talk to him.. Then he started talking to my sister about taking off and leaving the province, which turned into him talking about killing himself, which led to my sister asking me to call the police on him... The cops said he trashed the place and was totally shit faced, but they are pretty sure he's talking to my sister that way because he wants attention.. Which pisses me off like you wouldn't believe. As if my sister needed more things to stress out about! I'd like to go over there and sack him! Especially since he's continued to send passive aggressive messages to her, my mum, and my brother...

Then this morning we got a rude awakening when we got a call saying that one of our horses might need stitches because he's managed to get himself badly wounded...

And then there's the thing with my "friends", who apparently aren't my friends unless Patryk says they can be.. I went over there and had an okay time, aside from shutting myself in the bathroom when I first got there because I was having a panic attack... Luckily, Tai was there on the phone the whole time and he managed to talk me out of there.. He talked me through it the whole night and kept sending me pictures to try and give me courage.

There are some good things to go with all of this stuff, though.

My sister's girlfriend arrives in Vancouver in a few hours from now! And my ex's cousin is here from Poland, and after meeting her, I adore her. She's hella awesome!

After all of the suspicion and other drama, my mum and her sisters have all finally gotten together and talked things out, and it actually looks like an almost 15 year long feud might be over. Finally! It honestly gives me a whole lot of hope for the future, since this is the first time I've seen these family members together in a long time. If I can get my family back, I will be happier than I can even express in words. <3 It has been decided to put Nana in a care facility, but after my aunts took us on a tour of the place they found, I can finally say I'm okay with it. They have a doctor on staff in case she has any problems, and this place is fancier than some of the hotels I've been in. Plus, Nana seems to be in agreement, and that in itself helps relax me about it a LOT.

Yesterday, I also got to meet my second cousin (I think that's the term?) for the first time since I was a baby, and I adore her! We'd been talking on Facebook for ages, but getting to meet her in person was just so cool! We got along great!

And my sister and I had more time the last few days to really talk and bond with each other, too. Although I admit that I'm afraid to get too close because she might be leaving, I'm really happy to have the chance to really spend time with my sister. We're both going through a lot, but I think being here for each other has been good for us both. We just need to get out and make ourselves some friends now!

What really sucks is that my sis was asking about having Tai meet up with she, her girlfriend, and I this week - but Tai will be gone all week! Such bad timing, since the girlfriend will only be here until Friday! It's been weird not really hearing from Tai as it is, though. Oh well, hopefully he has a good time with his family!

Anyways, as you can see, things have been pretty insane over here... And it sounds like they are just going to continue to be crazy... But at least there are some blue skies poking through the metaphorical grey clouds now! Just gotta keep on moving forward! <3

Nana Stuff

Sat, 11 Aug 2012 16:24:35 GMT

I was entirely knocked on my ass this week... So much has happened and I'm still reeling and trying to sort it all out in my head...

First it seemed my mum's sisters were trying to take Nana away, and now it seems her brother was playing them against each other, and now the women are all working together... But Nana is still going into a care home it seems, which I have mixed feelings about.. I mean, I know it's probably safer for her in the long run, but I am also scared of the idea of her ending up dying alone in a home instead of at home with her family... I mean, that just seems so sad... I know everyone will still be going up to visit, but...

I mean, if all of this brings my mum and her sisters back together, I'll be happy.. The rift in my family has been really awful, but... I don't even know..

I know she was exhausting mum and I, too.. And this will be the best for she and I, but I at least knew someone was always there when she needed them... And I mean, family, not some stranger who doesn't know the first thing about her...

Aokigahara

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 08:08:26 GMT

Aokigahara.

Officially one of the most creepy and fascinating places I have ever read about. Ever.

It's this forest where people in Japan go to commit suicide. It's really creepy and morbid, and some of the pictures are simply bone chilling! But wow, is that ever interesting! One year they apparently found almost 300 dead bodies there. They have a group of people that go through every year to dispose of the corpses. Talk about morbid!

I dunno why, but creepy shit like that is just far too interesting for me.

Bad Day

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 01:25:05 GMT

The most important person in my life is dying... My mum, my sister, my brother... They all are intending to move away... My best-friend doesn't seem to want to be my best-friend anymore...

I'm seriously having one of those days when I want to just give in to the Agoraphobia and hermit myself inside forever...

Or maybe I will just move to Ontario again, if my sister decides that she's moving there... My Ontario bestie and I can be hermits together...

For now, I'm just going to continue to live vicariously through the lives of fictional characters...

Vancouver Pride

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 08:39:16 GMT

I am proud to say that, despite my agoraphobia, I made it to Vancouver Pride! And not just me! Me, my mum, my sister, my brother, and my brother's boyfriend! I'm feeling really good about my little family today - we're all just so awesome. ;D

I also must say that I am so very proud of being in BC right now as well. There was just so much love and support going around in Vancouver today, it was wonderful to see! Almost all of the shops we passed by had rainbows and flags up, supporting LGBT rights. And everyone we ran into and talked to was SUPER nice and friendly! Seeing all of the different outfits and stuff was fun, too. There were people in all sorts of costumes, and we saw a few streakers... LOL. Some really nice looking people in Vancouver, I must say! Oh, and I got a bumper sticker that said "Free Hugs" on it and we stuck it onto my back. Seriously, good times!

Only bummer is that I didn't get to meet up with Tai, since he got caught up at home. Really sucks, since he's leaving next week for a vacation. Total bummer!

In other good news, though! My sister's girlfriend is coming for a visit at the end of the month! I'm super happy for the two of them, they're just so darn cute! <3

Anyways... Happy Pride! \o/

Coping

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 10:08:18 GMT

I can't believe I'm still awake enough to even write this right now.. I went to bed around 5:30am and was woken up before noon because my step-dad managed to at least come close to breaking his arm. My sis and I were woken up and asked to go over and bring him ice and try to get him to go to the hospital. We didn't get him to go to the hospital, but we did have an interesting adventure, trying to get to and from White Rock on our own. I am pleased to say I did manage to navigate us all the way there, though!

No news on Nana, really, though... Although one of my aunt's is now saying she wants to see her, after all these years... Of course, she doesn't want mum to be there, though.. Because you know, adults are SO mature. :\

I can at least say that today really was good for me, though. I spent most of the day doing things with my sister, and I feel even closer to her, once again. She seems to be doing much better now that she's coming to terms with who she is, and I'm super happy for her about that! We really got to know each other a lot today, and that made me happy. Although it will make it harder for me if/when she does move away again. Despite that, our friendship really is what I needed all along. I feel like someone really hears and understands at least part of me, and that's something that's been really hard on me lately.

We ended up going to the barn today, and I learned how to clean out stalls and how to take the saddle off of the horses. I also got my first lesson on how to ride English style, which was way less scary than I thought it would be. It was only a bit intimidating when getting onto the horse, since there's no horn to hold on to when you pull yourself up. But aside from Hank being stubborn, I feel like I did really well. There's a lot more to remember than I ever realized, but I enjoyed it a lot.

Not much else to report, really. I finished the last book in the Hunger Games trilogy this week, and I really enjoyed it. I'm going to miss reading it, honestly. I'm still working on teaching myself hiragana, which is coming along well, although slowly. And I got another drawing done yesterday, too.

So, despite the bad things, I'm still holding on pretty tightly right now.

Reminds me, it was also brought to my attention that if mum and my brother move away after Nana passes away, since my sister's girlfriend is in Ontario, I could always move back to Ontario... It was weird to think about it, but...

I really don't know where life is taking me at this point. It's interesting, but also really scary. I'm not used to things being quite so up in the air, but... I guess all I can do is keep holding on tightly and have faith that things will all work out.

Release Me

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 03:51:51 GMT

So, Nana's in the hospital again... She had a heart attack...

I've been feeling kind of strange... I feel numb, and at the same time, I keep randomly like lashing out.. I dunno. It's a weird reaction for me.. I mainly get angry because I feel like I'm alone. I mean, mum and I have been together through this entire ordeal, but.. My friends seem to have just poofed for the most part, and it's a really shitty feeling. I guess I always thought my friends would be there, and it's been a bit of a harsh reality check.

Despite how optimistic I try to be, I'm getting to the point now where I'm realizing that I really am in this alone. In the end, I can only rely on myself. And I really hate to feel that way, but... It seems like that's just the way the real world works.

To top it off, it sounds like my sister has decided she's going back to the US this fall... So... I'm losing another person...

But ya, we don't know if Nana is ever going to be able to leave the hospital now.. Everything is pretty up in the air at this point. They say that she could have another heart attack, so they're watching her closely right now.

The one sort-of plus side, is that me, mum, my bro and my sister all went out for some shopping therapy this evening, and that was a lot of fun. We all got some new clothes, and I got an Adventure Time hat with Jake on it. And now that I'm home, I'm sitting here, drinking some booze, and just being generally stunned. I didn't expect things to take a turn for the worse so quickly...

Sigh..

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 10:20:10 GMT

Just realized I haven't updated much lately.. Life has just been pretty routine and boring lately, for the most part. Nana had to get hospitalized again this week, but she was home again the following day.

Aside from that.. The Olympics started? I haven't watched a lot of it, though.. And Bitsy, one of the cats, finally got moved in this week.

My plans for the weekend all fell through, though... So, it's pretty much been a stay at home and watch Nana week and weekend. I am doing my best to help out, but it's really tough sometimes. Especially watching her deteriorate as rapidly as she has been. I mean, mum caught her talking to nobody at all tonight, and when I went to help her out, she spent like 10 minutes saying she didn't know what she wanted and then asked me to get mum to help her instead..

Le sigh... I'm doing my best to stay optimistic - and I'm mostly doing a good job! But it's still hard, and frustrating.. especially since my friends have all but abandoned me..

It's one of those shitty things about growing up, I guess. I've known for a while that I'm alone in this, apart from mum, really... But I still held out hope that I had people in my life that were going to be there for me.. I just realize now that I was wrong. No matter how much I wanted to prove the cynical side of myself wrong, I wasn't able to. In the end, people are only out for themselves.. I feel like I might as well just be done with trusting people..

Maybe that's unfair.. My online friends have been great at keeping up with my life.. I have one friend who keeps checking up on me online, that I know irl, but I admit.. I've been too afraid to let him get any closer to me.. I haven't even suggested hanging out, because I'm too afraid to. Men in particular are so hard to trust. Can't turn your back without them trying something...

Sigh...

Friendship... I'm really starting to think it's just a lie...

Crepuscular

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 08:07:52 GMT

I learned a new term today, and I'm going to put it here, since I found it interesting! Crepuscular!

Crepuscular animals are animals that are active during twilight - which means during dawn and dusk. Red pandas are crepuscular.